Resistance

 As of this very moment, I am 17 years old. For 6,445 days I have existed. In 154,680 hours I had between 322,250,000-451,150,000 thoughts. In 9,280,800 minutes of living my heart has beat between 556,848,000-928,080,000 times. In all my time spent orbiting the sun, I never have known for certain who I want to be.

 The person I idolize myself to be 10 years from now has the same quirks and flaws as I do now. She's a working woman with no patience for people who don't know what they want out of life. She wakes up at 5 am and works out for an hour before heading to the office. The woman I want to be now isn't the woman I want to be tomorrow.

   Tommorrow I want to be a director. Scouting out the perfect location for a scene I know will make or break my chance at an Oscar. She's made millions and still takes the subway to her favorite coffee shop. This woman is humble and quick-witted. She's free and takes anyone who is daring enough with her to the next big adventure. I want to be her, and then I remember I really don't.

   In The first twenty-five pages of "The War Of Art" my mind was thinking these thoughts. He talks about resistance and how it keeps you from growing mentally and spiritually. The problem I have is that I don't resist a job idea I know is good for me. I may hesitate, but I always see the side of a career that is going to better my person.

   "Who I want to be is always changing." That thought was stuck in my head and had me panicking. Would I have to wander aimlessly from job to job until I found the one resistance was holding me back from? And then it hit me. I am not afraid of a job because I can put in the work and have the patience to perfect any project.

   The resistance I'm struggling with is independence. I want someone with me as a crutch when I feel my anxiety peeking up. Sometimes even having to ask multiple times the directions to a room until they finally just walk with me. Resistance was holding me back from more than I thought. A brick wall stands between me and my missing piece.

   For so long I thought it was social anxiety or just anxiety in general. All this time, when I feel naked in a crowded room it isn't because it's crowded, it's because I don't have any fricken clothes on! A coat of confidence is what I'm aiming for and it's being given to me thread by thred and I have to sew it together myself. It's going to take time.

   To think back when I couldn't order my own food at a restaurant or even talk on the phone to a pizza delivery guy without crying. I'm getting better and have been pushing myself to do what feels like a punch in the stomach from resistance. Resistance is always hovering, It's waiting for a chance to hold me back and take me hostage. I won't let it. 

Mia Mason